Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Threesome in a minivan. New low
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize