How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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