have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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