i permit you to call me
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
