Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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