Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
You did what with his pubic hair?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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