I saw his package. It spoke to me.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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