I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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