Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
