dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
