1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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