Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
