Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
