I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
He called his prostate his "boner button".
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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