I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
