I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize