We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
