ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
