I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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