dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
You pole danced in your parka.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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