I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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