Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
