i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
