..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
