I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize