Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
this hospital has no fireball
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
