You don't have asthma, your pregnant
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
