he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Come share oat with me in your robe
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
