if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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