watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
