i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize