I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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