I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
