if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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