When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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