There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
