u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
