You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
