I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I look better un-naked...
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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