We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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