Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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