The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize