nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
