ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
