Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
