It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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