wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
