just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
