I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
what the fuck happened to the tacos
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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