I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
