at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
