My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
