also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
