i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
