o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
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