Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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