dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
