The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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