The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
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