Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
