he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize