I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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