I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize