As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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