Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
