I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'm too high and old for this...
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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