i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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