Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
