How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
