Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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