Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize