i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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