Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
