sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
