how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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