so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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