Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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