I think my fart just growled at me.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize